ilovetovent

so. this is lj weird, but im feelin it.
I'm just really frustrated, so if i can't say this to you, i will post it for all to read. on a totally relaxed note, it's sucks to care about someone more than they care about you. i just feel like recently i've tried too hard to make something work that clearly does not want to work, and you know what....maybe it's just not worth it. however, that creates another problem. personally, once i care about someone, i care about them for good. once you love somebody, yeah okay that love changes its shape, but you never lose it. If you can honestly say you dont care about someone anymore, you never cared about them to begin with. So, basically i've wasted more than just the month I've been chasing down a friendship on this, infact, I've wasted roughly about 680 hours on this, if you want to be real specific. Sadly, even after that realization, i'm not angry--disappointed, yes. angry, no. I actually still care, and i actually always will. and I am not just writing that to be poetic and sentimental. becaue of that, i'm letting it go. if you're not happy with me here, then peaceout--your presence isnt instrumental in my life anymore if you don't want it to be. Just because i care does not mean that i won't let it go. and p.s. i severely hope that you don't think the place this is at is my fault, because its not. it's a two way thing. if i was the same kind of person as you are i would have had no problem telling you upfront my complaints. Even though you had no problem telling me your problems with what i did, i still feel bad listing your faults to you, but just to give you some insight, at the slight chance you read this, people can only care about you as much as you let them care about you. Especially people who are discouraged easily. If you push someone away enough, they're going to stop fighting you eventually. A person can only try to come visit you when you're sick so many times, they can only try to surprise you and be shot down so many times, they can only be second place so many times before it becomes rediculous that they are still trying. Honestly, I wish so badly that a certain weekend could have lived up to its potential, but it's not my thing to jump into a group and act like i belong, i wish you knew that. i'm sorry if it came across mean, but that wasn't it. it was just exhaustion from trying to fix something that was so completely totalled. Totalled really is the perfect word to decribe it too....something that would cost more than it's value to fix. and actually if i remember correctly, you promised this wouldn't happen, it was actually the only reason i let myself get into it in the first place. i called it though, and you lied. i should have went with what i thought was right, not that i really had a choice, looking back, i dont think i really had any control...i was just sucked into it and didnt put up a legit fight. shouldawouldacoulda. life moves on i suppose. i am disappointed still that you think so poorly of me. you should really know that i was always honest with you, and that anything going on now happened in nothing other but a legit way even though thats probably not what you would want to hear, the speed of it came more from the fact that it was so refreashing and so different that it was intriguing. even if that wasnt the case, you honestly wouldnt have been able to judge it anyway, because if i remember correctly you did do that once before. so, anyway you choose to look at my actions, you still can't justify the way you're blowing off this whole thing, once again, unless it never meant anything to begin with, you really have been one of the best friends i've found so far, and i hate that i'm losing that. there may be few people that i become that close with, that know so much about me, that notice stupid things like what i do when i get lost, but there will be others. as much as you don't like me, i hope that you won't forget about the whole thing. I really do hope that you end up getting everything you want in life and then some, although i have a feeling you've yet to figure out what it is you want out of life. Mostly, I hope you just figure that out. Goodluck. For the remainder of time we're still in town and when we happen to run into eachother when we're home from school and such, i hope that i will be able to wave to you and have you wave back. I don't even expect that you come over and catch up. A wave is sufficient, just like you'd give anyone else you spent the last seven years coexisting with. Seven years is a long time, but seven more will pass, and sadly i will still think of you and ask around to see how you are. so, this has gone on long enough. hah i would have preferd to tell you all of this, but i'll settle for it rotting in LJ history. goodluck with school...goodnight...goodmorning...merry christmas happy birthday...congrats because God only knows if and when you'll let me back in. <3peace.

Current Mood: contemplative